Episode 605: Tom Cruise transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room On Door Scooter: "(Guest Star's name), oh, (Guest Star's name), 47 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's last name)." Guest Star: "Thanks, Scooter, I'll be honored to do the show with you guys." Scooter: "Well, (Guest Star's first name), you'll never know what could happen in this theater." Some bowling pins and bowling balls begin flying around all over the place. Kermit appears through The Muppet Show logo....... Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Tom Cruise, yaaaaaay!" [Upbeat Version Of The Muppet Show Theme Song Playing In Background] Music Begins Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues Playing In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started?' Kermit and Muppet friends: It's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show..... Of Police Siren Scene 1: The show introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, we're all very excited, 'cause tonight's guest star is the most young talented actor known for his starring role in War of the Worlds, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical #: She Loves You, performed by Scooter, Lew Zealand, Rowlf and Walter." Rizzo: "Hey, Kermit, look out, dere are mountain rocks flyin' around all ova' de place!" Kermit: "Good grief, everybody, duck your heads down!" Everybody else ducks their heads down, while the mountain rocks go flying across. Kermit: "Anyway, here are Scooter, Lew Zealand, Rowlf and Walter." Opening Musical #: She Loves You Playing In Background Scooter, Lew Zealand, Rowlf and Walter: She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Scooter: You think you've lost your love? well I saw her yesterday Lew Zealand: it's you she's thinkin' of, and she told me what to say Rowlf: she says she loves you, and you know that can't be bad Walter: yes, she loves you, and you know you should be glad Scooter: she said you hurt her so she almost lost her mind Rowlf: but now she says she knows you're not the hurting kind Walter: she says she loves you, and you know that can't be bad Scooter: yes, she loves you'' '''and you know you should be glad, oh Scooter, Lew Zealand, Rowlf and Walter: she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah with a love like that you know you should be glad Walter: you know it's up to you I think it's only fair Lew Zealand: pride can hurt you too apologize to her Rowlf: because she loves you and you know that can't be bad Scooter: she loves you and you know you should be glad, oh Scooter, Lew Zealand, Rowlf and Walter: she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah 'she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah with a love like that you know you should be glad with a love like that'' '''you know you should be glad with a love like that you know you should, be glad'' ''yeah, yeah, yeah,'' ''yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah''... Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........... Waldorf: "Well, Stalter, there's nothing like true love going around all over the place." Statler: "It's true, Waldorf, you know what they say, right?" Waldorf: "True love's 1st kiss." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage........ Kermit: "Alright, what's next? Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage!" ''Bear On Patrol'' Sketch #: stolen station wagon wheel Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Right this way, come on, right this way." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What seems to be the problem here?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This guy stole a station wagon wheel, so I caught him fair and square." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "I see, bring him right up." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, kind sir." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Is it true that you've been stealing a station wagon wheel?" Sweetums: "No, it's not true, I would never steal from anybody, I was just fixing a broken down station wagon." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hoghtrob: "Apologies accepted, you can let him go right now." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "No problem." Fozzie/Patrol Bear releases Sweetums to prevent him from being arrested. Talk Spot Guest Star: "So, Kermit, what do you wanna speak with me about?" Kermit: "Well, (Guest Star's 1st name), it's a very peaceful evening out there." Guest Star: "That's good to hear about, so what kind of movies do you like?" Kermit: "Well, I like most of your movies, including War of the Worlds." Guest Star: "I'm so lucky you have a real good taste in my movies, Kermit." Kermit: "I agree with you here." At the Dance sketch # Music Playing In Background Kermit: "Back and forth, all around, up and down." Miss Piggy: "1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4." Floyd: "Keep it movin', keep it movin'!" Janice: "I sure got those dance moves." Scooter: "You know, I always liked dancing romantically with you." Female Lavender Whatnot: "So did I." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.... Statler: "Have you ever danced with anybody before?" Waldorf: "Well, I usually danced with my lovely wife, Astoria." Statler: "That makes her the lucky 1." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again ''Sam's Editorial Speech'' Sam: "And now, I'' will explain what's light and what's heavy." Sam: "A garden trowel is light, and a full trash bag is heavy." Sam: "You know what else is light and what else is heavy?" Sam: "An empty sand pail is light, and a crock pot is heavy." ''Pig's in Space sketch #: a swarm of cockroaches Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy, and the very intelligent, Dr. Strangepork." Announcer: "Where we last left the Swine Trek Crew, Dr. Strangepork had come up with a new invention." Dr. Strangepork: "Check it out, my newest invention: The Cockroach Killer 300." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "How does it work?" Dr. Strangepork: "It can kill a lot of cockroaches." Link Hogthrob: "Good thing, 'cause there's a swarm of cockroaches invading the Swine Trek!" Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Ew, gross, get 'em away, get 'em away!" Dr. Strangepork: "Stand back, everybody, I know just what to do!" Dr. Strangepork uses a powerful blast from the Cockroach Killer 300, and kills all of the cockroaches. Dr. Strangepork: "Okay, now the cockroaches are history." Link Hogthrob: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will the Swine Trek be a cockroach free home? can Dr. Strangepork keep them deceased? will 1st Mate Piggy ever put up signs to keep them out? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Swedish Chef sketch #: Snicker Doodle Cookies Playing In Background Swedish Chef: ''Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue,'' ''orn desh, dee born desh,'' ''de umn'' ''bork, bork, bork'' Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a gunna meke-a sneecker duudle-a cuukeees." Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a heet zee oofee up tu fuoor hoondred degrees fehrenheeet." Swedish Chef: "Vheele-a ve-a're-a veeeting fur zee oofee tu heet up, let's poot zee ingredeeents in zee currect oorder." Swedish Chef: "One-a und a helff coops ooff sooger, 1 helff coop ooff bootter, sufftened, oone-a helff coop ooff shurteneeng, tvu leettle-a iggs, tvu und three-a fuoort coops ooff ell poorpuse-a fluoor, tvu teespuuns ooff creem, oone-a teespuun ooff bekeeng suda, oone-a fuoort teespuun ooff selt, oone-a fuoort coop ooff sooger und lest boot nut leest, tvu teespuuns ooff gruoond ceennemun." Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meex zeem up." The Swedish Chef mixes up the ingredients in the mixing bowl, 'til it becomes snicker doodle cookie dough, and he goes to get a cookie sheet. Swedish Chef: "Furst ve-a shepe-a zee sneecker duudle-a cuukeee-a duoogh intu oone-a und oone-a fuoor inch bells, zeen ve-a meex zee oone-a fuoort coop ooff sooger und zee ceennemun, zeen ve-a rull zee bells in te-a ceennemun und sooger meextoore-a, und noo, ve-a plece-a zeem 2 inches epert oon zee ungreesed cuukeee-a sheet." The Swedish Chef puts the 4 inch balls of snicker doodle cookie dough on the ungreased cookie sheet, puts on his oven mitts, then bakes them in the oven from 8-10 minutes, 'til they're now finished baking and cooling down. Swedish Chef: "Noo thet zeey're-a ell cuuled doon, let's poot ell ooff zeem in zee cuukeee-a jer." The Swedish Chef puts the snicker doodle cookies in the cookie jar, and they come to life. Snicker Doodle Cookie # 1: "We like living in this cookie jar." Snicker Doodle Cookie # 2: "Home sweet home." Snicker Doodle Cookie # 3: "The good life." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, Piggy, Rowlf, Janice, let's go!" Veterinarian's Hospital sketch #: Beautiful Day Monster as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So when I turned on ''my'' flashlight, I checked under my sofa, and there were ''no'' dust bunnies under there." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your wise crackin' jokes." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So, Nurse Piggy, where's our new patient?" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Right under here." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy lifts the corner of the green quilt, and reveals Beautiful Day Monster lying right down on the hospital bed. Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh my gosh, like, wow, this patient is a dark blue monster." Beautiful Day Monster: "The only reason why I'm here is because I've got a nervous twitch in my shoulders." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Then that makes you the monster of true comedy." Announcer: "Will' Nurse Janice tell Dr. Bob that he's just given his patient a box of anti-itching powder? 'will' Nurse Piggy yet learn to pay the hospital bills? 'does' Dr. Bob still have the empty container in which he found his medical degree? tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Janice say-" Janice/Nurse Janice: "Dr. Bob, what's your word for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Janice, I say he's just a bit 'loopy." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........ Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody!" Muppet Labs sketch #: Musical Popcorn Maker 700 Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music Playing In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "We're testing out our latest invention: the Musical Popcorn Maker 700." Bunsen: "Just as you can see, if you're making real good popcorn with a popcorn maker, and you're bored without wonderful music playing in the background, why not try the Musical Popcorn Maker 700, which my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Go ahead, Beaker, put the popcorn kernels in there, and turn it on." Beaker: voice ''Mee, mee''. Beaker puts the popcorn kernels in the Musical Popcorn Maker 700, then presses the red button, and turns it on. [Fraggle Rock Theme Tune Playing] Bunsen: "Perfect, Beaker, perfect." Bunsen: "So there you have it, a popcorn maker with a musical choice of its very own." Suddenly, the Musical Popcorn Maker 700 goes outta control, and an entire bunch of popcorn goes flying all over the place, and right into a real big popcorn bowl. Beaker: In Alarm Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time for today, so join us next time, here, at Muppet Labs." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again....... Waldorf: "I sure wish ''I'' had a popcorn maker like that." Statler: "What would you do with it?" Waldorf: "Make a lot of popcorn for ''movie nights''." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Cut back to Kermit onstage........ Kermit: "Alright, and now, everybody, it's guest star time, and here's our closing musical #: Killer Queen." Closing Musical #: Killer Queen Playing In Background Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Rowlf, Walter, Mildred Huxtetter, Beautiful Day Monster, Electric Mayhem Band and Guest Star: ''She keeps a Moet et Chandon'' ''in her pretty cabinet'' 'let them eat cake' she says' 'find me on the internet' 'a built-in remedy' 'for Kruschev and Kennedy 'at anytime an invitation' 'you can't decline' 'caviar and cigarettes' (terrible thing) 'well versed in etiquette' 'extraordinarily nice' 'she's a Killer Queen' 'gunpowder, gelatine' 'dynamite with a laser bean' 'guaranteed to blow your mind' 'anytime' 'ooh, recommended at the price' 'insatiable an appetite' 'Wanna try?' Continues Playing In Background Miss Piggy: 'to avoid complications' 'I never keep the same address' 'in conversation' 'I email like a baroness' 'met a man from China' 'went down to Geisha Minah' (All Muppet Friends: 'Killer, killer, she's a killer Queen) 'but then again incidentally' 'if you're that way inclined' 'perfume came virtually from Paris' 'for cars I couldn't care less' 'fastidious and precise' 'I'm a Killer Queen' Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Rowlf, Walter, Mildred Huxtetter, Beautiful Day Monster, Electric Mayhem Band and Guest Star: 'she's a Killer Queen' 'gunpowder, gelatine' 'dynamite with a laser bean' 'guaranteed to blow your mind' 'anytime' Miss Piggy: 'drop of a hat, I'm as willing as' 'playful as a pussy cat' 'then momentarily out of action' 'temporarily outta gas' 'to absolutely drive you wild, wild' 'I'm out to get you'....... Miss Piggy: "Commander Kashoggi!" Fade to another black screen...... Scene 2: The Final Wrap Up Kermit: "Alright, thank you everybody for coming, we've had a terrific show tonight, but right before we go, please give a warm round of applause for our guest star, Mr. Guest Star's Name, yaaaaay!" The Guest Star appears onstage....... Guest Star: "Thanks, you guys, it's been such a thrilled honor being on the show tonight." Kermit: "Hey, no problem, we always like having guest stars on our show." Bean: "Well, the coast is clear now, so nothing else can ever try to attack any of us or get in our way." Kermit: "Oh that's good, but anyway, we'll see you next time on ''The Muppet Show." [The Muppet Show End Credits Theme Music Playing In Background] Voice Performers Steve Whitmire Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Matt Vogel Bill Barretta David Rudman Louise Gold Peter Linz Alice Dinean Vernon Stephanie D'Abruzzo Statler: "So, Waldorf, are you still thinking about renting an apartment?" Waldorf: "Actually, Statler, I was just thinking about renting a hotel." Statler: "Why would you want a hotel in the 1st place?" Waldorf: "To have my very own paradise!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once More Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts